Lost in everything. Thoughts from a mental hospital
I feel like a total loser at everything. I have very strong thoughts of giving up. Why should I come back? To life, where in every field I fell? Where no one is waiting for me, only to take responsibility for my decisions? For your children above all?
It's sad. Extremely sad. Defeat. I see the world only in these colors, not as a chance to bounce back from the bottom - but as black despair. It hurts to see marriages. Support of the closest person. I try to appreciate what I have - family. But I don't see it at first glance - I see what is not there. Not all the time, that's true. Only sometimes, when this feeling of loneliness is very strong, then I look at everything only through the prism of this broken lens.
And then I grieve, I live it. And the pain is real, as it always is in borderline - unbearable, gut-burning. Oh, I'm tired, tired of feeling. Tired of my rage over any crap, my aggression, tension, which I think I'm the source of. Fucked up, fucked up, someone screams in my head, loudly, with great certainty. I know he's right. Broken. Defective. Left, husband left - did not love. Nobody truly loved me. Nobody will love me anymore - because I don't want it. I wish this male-female relationship wasn't so important in my life. How many people live without a husband, wife, because, for example, the others died - and they are quite well. They don't want anyone else. Do they feel lonely like me? Or are they just enjoying the life they have. Grandma Lu missed her husband very much until the end, she always said that she felt bad herself. Grandma Wi - I don't know, she lost her husband sooner, maybe it was easier for her to come to terms with it, maybe she suffered too many injuries that she didn't experience this loss too much, because instead of loss came relief. I don't know… I don't like the state I have now, this longing to be important to someone, to be the whole world to someone.
I catch myself that it is less and less longing for someone specific, for my husband - but for the very specific state, the feeling of being loved. It's peeling off my husband - I take that as a good sign. I think of you, my beloved, less and less - you can't blame me for that - I must think of you less or I will not survive. Please don't blame me. You can't blame - you're just a ghost, you're gone.
I'm in bad shape, debt is tightening around my neck, and I can't see my way out of the darkness. Repeating over and over: Jesus, I trust You, Jesus, I trust You, gives nothing, gives nothing. Stress, like a bullet in the stomach, does not allow you to occupy your mind with something else, to experience some peace. I don't know what's next, I don't know what's next, the thoughts of self-elimination are very strong, very strong. How do I deal with it, how do I deal with it alone? No one knows about the scale of my debts, no one knows, shame on everyone. What to do, what to do. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I am a total zero. Okay, I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick. So what? How to live? How to live? How to live? I can't make it, I can't make it, I can't make it... Lord save, Lord save! what's next what's next what's next? How to get out of this swamp? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fear paralyzes. Solitude is paralyzing. Everything paralyzes. Everything paralyzes.