Updated: Oct 5
What to write in the first blog post? Whoever has the answer to this question and tips on his blog - should see some good traffic on his site - it is probably one of the most frequently searched words when someone starts their adventure with blogging.
I thought I would miss it - just a few hours ago I had such a race of thoughts about writing in my head that it seemed childishly easy to write this first post. And now I am sitting alone, wondering what to write here and how to write it.
I have some experience in writing - writing a diary helps in my illnesses, but also for me, writing is a form of relief in states of agitation, borderline - then emotions reach their zenith and writing is a form of getting them out, so a form of relief. I have never written about mania/hypomania, because what for? It's a waste of time, there are so many things to do.
Why did I decide to write a blog?
There are a couple of reasons.
The first is that I've read many inspiring stories or blogs about how writing a blog allowed these people to be financially independent. This is what I want for me -
I don't want to work 9-5 - once because I work like this now - I have to make many difficult decisions during the day - it's mentally exhausting. When I come home, all I dream about is lying in bed, watching TikTok, and not having to do anything. And I'm still a mother - when you are single, you can shut up in your shit after work, not clean up for months, order a pizza and drink the brewery after work every day - if you feel like it. Or you can do the things you like, develop yourself, go to the gym, go to the beautician, have a coffee with a friend, paint pictures, or fuck whoever you fall into - whatever you want to do. When you have a child - children - and you are a single mother, where the father only visits the kids three times a week - well, it's not that colorful anymore.
I have this dream vision in my head of what my life should be - and you know what - the basic point in this vision is that there is no job there.
Writing a blog is my next attempt at finding financial independence
There have been many, all of them unsuccessful - not because what I've tried is not effective - I believe that you can be successful in any area if you put the right amount of work into it and are systematic - but unfortunately, I can't do that.
But that's supposedly typical of people with bipolar and borderline - if I tell you that two days ago I prepared artwork for my Etsy shop (which I haven't set up yet, of course) and hardly slept because of it, and now I put all of myself into the writing of this post - maybe it will allow you to understand why I have not achieved success in other areas. And there was a lot of it, because my manic/hypomanic excesses are ALWAYS some business idea, for making money. I'll tell you about all of this, and there was a lot of it. Here is the list:
Lamdeco (the name of my first company, no longer existing)
A blog about the fight against weight loss
Woodla (another company, no longer existing)
Real estate broker
Art of wood
pillow shop on Shopify
Forex and learning to trade,
Blog about passive income from cryptocurrencies,
Adult coloring books,
Coloring pages of women in fashionable clothes
Painting digital minimalist portraits
T-shirts, sweatshirts, accessories for people with bipolar disorder, borderline disease, mental illnesses, autism
Tiktok for people with borderline
Minimalist Christian art (idea literally a few days ago, abandoned for this blog)
WOW, I didn't realize was there was so much - it's all over the past 10 years.
I will tell you about each of these stories in separate entries because believe me, there is a lot to tell. None of these ideas turned out to be successful. I will say more - I never even reached the moment of some premiere of the final product - maybe except for the blog about weight loss, where I produced and published a total of 3 (!) Entries and even on one of them I had one comment!
Why is this happening? Why have I not been successful in any of these areas? Why did all these stories end up like the snap of a finger? One day I was full of passion for a given topic, and the next day I couldn't get out of bed and I didn't give a shit about everything, all businesses, ideas, plans, visions, my future, my children - the only thing that interested me was not to feel anything or not feel this pain or not be. Sounds familiar? I hope not. This was my history with bipolar disorder and borderline disorder before I was properly diagnosed.
10 years for the correct diagnosis
I have had this correct diagnosis for six months - and it was a turning point in my life. So I have another attempt before me, 20 (although I haven't definitely abandoned 19 yet, in total, content for mentally ill people (points 17 and 18) as well as maybe somehow will develop - I have done something on this topic, but these things have to temporarily wait).
If you struggle with a bipolar disorder like me, you've probably noticed that I'm hypomania/mania at the moment - naming it doesn't really matter to me now. This "ups" is different from the others - because now, since I am diagnosed, I am aware of what is happening to me, I can see disturbing signals, and I try to stop, but it is definitely not a model way of dealing with hypomania, I haven't figured that out yet. But maybe I will come someday.
God, how I missed this state, for mania, for the "up" - when you think well of yourself, when you feel invincible when you feel that everything is possible, that you are brilliant (well, I know now that I am not - it's also another difference from other hipos - I know I'm not brilliant, but only sick and my fucking brain tells me such nonsense) that it's not too late for anything, that it's still possible to achieve your dreams - and these are not fancy:
I want to have peace of mind,
break out of this rat race
to have a house with large windows overlooking the forest, in which I will have my own bedroom with a dressing room and bathroom, and a studio where I can paint naked;
a van that I could travel on which would be my second home
awareness that when depression comes, I will be able to safely experience it under my covers, and that my children will have enough to eat,
I will not fail anyone at work in depression by not coming,
I will not leave my debts to anyone,
I won't have to talk to anyone
I'll get myself new teeth and a jaw
I'll pick up saggy tits after feeding,
I'll suck fat from my belly and thighs,
I will enlarge my lips
I'll inject botox and acid all over my mouth
I will operate on a post-pregnancy stomach,
I'll build a house for my parents
I will give several million to my siblings so that they do not have to work like me (of course in the future, because currently, I am still a slave of the system),
I'll build a house for single mothers
I will build a center for autistic adults where they will be able to live safely after the death of their parents,
I will travel around the world with lectures on how to achieve financial independence despite mental illness and other difficulties - like single motherhood,
I will set up a foundation for children and adolescents with mental illnesses, which will include organizing lectures at school that will allow kids to understand that they may be struggling with a mental illness and will be able to do something about it sooner than me,
I will build psychiatric hospitals in my country where medical care will be available free of charge,
I will go down in the history of mankind forever ...
See? This is what the manic/hypomanic person thinks. But - I really like it, because today I really think that all this is possible. You're sailing like a wave, you're just happy… Depression ??? What a fucking depression, I've never felt better! Finally, I have a goal in life, I have a passion, I have a reason to get up in the morning (provided that you are somehow sleeping at night), life is beautiful, I am beautiful, smart, awesome, brilliant, capable ... eh, I could go on like that forever.
But that's just a manic state of my mind. I do not want to say that this is not true - simply, as a person with bipolar disorder and also to some extent with borderline, I already know that this is simply not true, because how can it be if, in depression or sudden depression in borderline, you think of yourself exactly the opposite. Probably, if I wrote this post in a state of depression, I would limit myself to the sentence: Hi, I'm Joanna, I have bipolar disorder and borderline disorder, I am a single mother of three children, including one with autism, a mental disability. Currently depressed, but I want to share with you my struggles with this whore, because maybe even one person will not commit suicide today, as I had planned for this wonderful fucking evening.
Come back ... if I was depressed, I would not write this post at all, because I would give a shit on everything, lying under the covers, browsing TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, or drinking and trying to commit suicide, and I would sleep at best.
The most important reason
I hope this blog will help me learn to be systematic, develop new, good habits - as a highly sensitive and empathetic person I don't like to disappoint others - and I believe that for people like me it is invaluable knowing that someone else is also struggling this shitty disease, it's good to know that someone else feels the same ... Knowing that my story may be important to someone, or it may inspire someone - maybe that's what the most important goal for which I am writing this blog. Ufff ... I guess I finished it - I know that this post is long - but that's because I'm currently in a mania - I read something about what the first blog post should look like - but I'll be honest, I have that the more I explore a topic, the more I have doubts whether I will do it right - and as a result, a bigger headache, because the race of thoughts is enormous. I don't know if this entry is correct in terms of Google positioning or other things to reach my audience. I wrote something about myself, why I decided to write a blog. So I guess okay, huh? What do you think? I would be delighted if you let me know that you are here.