25 things not to tell depressed people.
What not to tell people who are depressed?
Depression is a nasty disease and I don't want it to anyone. It is also a disease that is difficult to understand unless you have experienced it. It is much easier for us to understand some physical diseases when suffering is more "evident". But depression? Although I have experienced it more than once, I myself do not have an understanding for the behaviors typical in this disease and what you see outside irritates me deeply, pisses me off and I am not surprised that the relatives of people suffering from depression often react with misunderstanding, ignorance or even anger. Because what do they see from the outside? An eternally sad someone, absent, clouded - "you have a face as if you smell shit" - that's what my brother once told me.
When the depression is deeper, loved ones see someone completely cut off from their basic duties - not cleaning the house, not taking care of children - if they have any. They spend their days sleeping, or staring at the ceiling, or mindlessly scrolling the phone. If you see someone like this, you might be damned. Then I think of myself with contempt - it is not surprising that relatives of someone in depression experience such feelings and I have no regret towards any of my relatives who expressed these feelings towards me - I understand them.
None of my relatives have ever suffered from depression - I don't know what it's like on the other side, I can only imagine that I would probably just feel pissed off. And probably it would seem completely natural to me to tell a depressed person:
Although such reactions are completely understandable to me, this effect is such that people with depression become even more withdrawn. How does a depressed person feel when they hear any of the above statements?
Misunderstanding, abandonment, awareness that something is wrong with her, since she cannot do these things, contempt - and most of all - that the person who utters such sentences does not want and cannot help her, it is not worth telling anyone about it, what I am going through, no one will understand it anyway, and no one will help me anyway. It is not worth telling someone about what is happening to me, because I will expose myself to ridicule, mockery, moralizing, to pretending that I am making someone's life difficult with my health. What can someone answer to the question: "Sad? And what happened? What happened AGAIN?"
Nothing fucking happened. Nothing needs to happen. I have no influence on it. Believe me,
I wish I could feel good. I would like anything to please me, anything to interest me. I wish I could breathe freely, enjoy the little things every day, and not always be enveloped in this fog, through which I can't even see the tips of my fingers.
Depression is darkness, it's something thick that hangs around you and cuts you off from the world. There is only you and your pain, which is getting worse every day, due to, among other things, this type of "good advice" and resentment. So you are looking for an escape from this pain.
Browsing stupid things on the Internet, so irritating to those around us, helps us. It takes the mind away from black thoughts, even for a moment. We have no strength for anything else. Sleeping helps - when you sleep, you're gone. You don't feel you don't have to deal with this shit, this pain.
I don't really have any methods of fighting depression yet, apart from, of course, taking medications and psychotherapy. The first time I went to a psychiatrist, the therapy seemed like a strange whim - I changed my mind when, after six months of treatment, I was still in the same place. Then I decided to start therapy and it was a bull's eye. I know how difficult it is to make an appointment with a doctor at. It is worth asking a loved one to come with us for this first visit, arrange us - sometimes even this one call is beyond our strength. My sister helped me. This is a very big support.
The first time I faced depression, there was no covid yet and how the world changed because of it - today you can find therapy online and it is a great solution for someone who does not even have the strength to get out of bed, not to mention leaving the house. It's worth a fight, for me it was like a game-changer.
If your loved one is facing depression or another mental illness, it is worthwhile for you to seek the help of a therapist - so that you know how to deal with the sick person, how to properly care for them, what to say, and what not to say. The sooner you do it, the fewer mistakes you will make and you will not lose touch with a sick person. My parents often asked me - how can we help you? This is a silly question for a sick person. If I knew that, I would have helped myself. I don't know how to help me - but specialists do.
That is why it is worth starting with this because the fight against depression is not only a great burden for the sick person but perhaps most of all for the relatives of that person. My parents who are closest to me have not used such help yet, which is a pity. It is a source of a lot of tension between us because they do not understand my disease. When dad heard that they should go to a psychologist, or therapist, to talk about my illness, he replied:
"A psychologist? And why should I go to a psychologist, you go, you have a problem with yourself "
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Knowledge is everything
In fact, knowledge is the primary weapon in the fight against this disease. The more you know as a sick person, and perhaps above all as a caregiver for a sick person - the easier it is to face it. It helps me to know that I am not alone and that there are many people who face similar problems. When I started creating my graphics (you can find them here) and posting them on Instagram, I was warmly welcomed by people like me, with mental illness. On the other hand, my relatives, healthy people - don't understand my graphics, let alone what can be funny about them. Humor helps, especially black. I love flipping through other Instagram meme accounts about my illnesses - it makes it all not so scary. I felt similarly "good" in a psychiatric hospital. There I was among "my people", understood, and invaluable. There you do not have to explain to anyone that you are depressed, that you feel worse, and that you want to sleep.
It's not like people with depression have found an excuse to lie and rot in bed with impunity. Believe me, I didn't want to get sick with it. As a person with bipolar disorder, I am aware that depression will come into my life. On the one hand, knowing it gives you some relief, but it doesn't reduce your fear of it. I would rather say that this fear is bigger because I have had so many episodes of depression, each bigger than the previous one, that I am terrified of another episode, and it is something inevitable in my illness. In this respect, I envy people who have had "ordinary" depression - with proper treatment, it will eventually go away and there is a chance that you will not get over it anymore. And for me, it is like a sentence, but it is not known when the sentence will have to be served. In fact, my next depression will be the first since I know what I have been dealing with for so long has a name - and it is bipolar disorder. I am curious how it will affect the course, will I be able to survive it more gently than before? Time will tell.
